


Scars

by hedakomskaikru



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: And the conversation at the end that Beau needed, Angst, F/F, Gen, This is also maybe pre-relationship beaujester, beau talks about her past, it's not very graphic and it's not in the scenes, tw physical abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:07:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22832266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedakomskaikru/pseuds/hedakomskaikru
Summary: Beau had already admitted that Thoreau was a neglectful father. But she left out that he wasn't always able to keep his temper in check.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast, Fjord & Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 2
Kudos: 199





	Scars

**Author's Note:**

> I marked the description of the physical abuse so you can skip it if you need to. We're all really only here to read about the Mighty Nein being protective of our monk.

Beau was fidgeting.

Beau was always restless, Fjord mused, but when usually she was someone who gestures wildly when she talks or paces agitatedly when she was thinking, she was now minutely pressing her fingers together, nails biting over skin. Her back was stiff, her shoulders tenser than he'd ever seen them, but she was steadfast in not looking back towards them as she led them to her parents' house.

He'd spoken to her the night before, cautiously sat beside a version of Beau that he hadn't seen since they first met. She was closed off, made little eye contact, and when previously she'd been more physically affectionate--or as affectionate as she could be, like placing a hand over Caleb's when Caleb was zoning into Frumpkin, a shoulder squeeze to anyone she thinks needs a bit of support--Beau now kept herself in like she was keeping a certain radius to herself.

He'd never seen her so small.

Not when she approached him to help him manage their ship, not when she stands toe to toe with everything they've fought while the rest of them were behind her sending out spells, not when the Plank King had loomed over her their lives clearly at his mercy. Beau was slight, but her presence strong.

And seeing her curl on top of her horse now, eyes glassy, not pestering Caleb, not exchanging bordering on cruel banter with Nott, or lowkey flirting with Yasha, was putting Fjord on edge. When the person who was first to confront things head on, almost as reckless as he was, was trying to hide how much she was cowering, Fjord felt like a part of Mighty Nein was actually crumbling.

And it wasn't just trying to hold herself still. Beau felt like she was physically withdrawing, too. She moved her hand away when he'd leaned his arm on the bar the night before. She'd flinched away, albeit minutely, when he raised his hand to scratch at his temple. She'd ducked her head when he stood to leave her alone.

Small things, unnoticeable things to everyone else, but probably not to the few that Beau had let in since they started traveling together. Things that seemed to connote something deeper that might have happened, something more sinister.

And not for the first time, Fjord wondered if maybe Beau was keeping more from them. But he understood secrets, understood that sometimes it's easier to hide the darkest parts of themselves because they didn't want to be seen differently. It had taken a while for him to share his visions when he still had them and then his fear about losing his powers, and consequently himself, to U'kotoa. Maybe it was the same for Beau.

So he might be hovering a little bit, maybe waiting for something to drop, something to happen. Whatever it was, Fjord was going to be ready for it. If Beau wanted to start a fight in there, he'd be one of the first to fire. If she wanted to run and bail on going, he'd argue for her and convince Nott or Caleb to look somewhere else.

She'd unquestionably had his back in the past. He was going to do the same for her.

  


* * *

  


Caleb still didn't know what to expect.

He was riding closer to Beau than normal. He'd already noticed that Fjord was doing the same; more attentive, more careful about his words while around their monk friend. They were all walking on eggshells around her. Even Jester and Nott, who were wont to blurt out whatever was in their heads, were careful, afraid Beau would withdraw even further away.

Beau was quiet. Caleb was used to her being loud, a little obnoxious. It used to irritate him, still did sometimes, but now there was a hint of endearment whenever he saw her get up right in front of someone, demanding more than what was polite to demand.

But now she was giving in, maybe also giving up. He'd asked for Nott that they visit Thoreau, because Nott wouldn't, not really, but he almost wished he hadn't.

"Caleb."

He would have missed it. Her lips had barely moved, and she had barely any indication that she was even talking to him. Her eyes were still looking forward, looking the most lost that he'd seen her. He'd seen her tense while they were making their way to Kamordah, but now it seemed all the tension had given way to quiet helplessness. She didn't want to go, but for Nott… for Nott, she was going.

Caleb slowed down his horse's pace, enough to keep pace with Beau's. He kept his voice just as quiet when he replied, "Yes, Beauregard?"

Beau seemed to slow even more, trying to put distance between them and the rest of the rest of the group, and Caleb followed suit, only glad that it seemed like Beau was finally going to open up a little more. Or so he thought that was what was going to happen.

It took longer than Caleb expected, and he'd had to give reassuring looks to the rest of them, surreptitiously trying to catch glimpses of their friend who was normally riding ahead. But he'd learned long ago to be patient, that some things just really took time to settle. The pair of them sat astride their horses now, quiet, contemplating.

"I…" Beau seemed to struggle even with that one thing. "I just…" She sucked in a breath, released it rapidly. "I want someone to know. Going in."

Caleb's response was just a small, slow head nod. He felt like if he did anything too sudden he'd spook her, make her change her mind. Beau was stronger than that, he knew. But he didn't know if she knew that at this point in time.

Beau nodded jerkily in response, as if to confirm a silent agreement that they were partaking in this conversation now. "My…" Her throat seemed to close off. Everything about Beau right now spelled uncertainty and Caleb had never seen so much of it in her. "My right eye is blind."

Caleb seemed to jerk at that, and his horse neighed a bit, stomped around in surprise at the reigns being pulled so suddenly. Beau seemed to wait patiently for him to settle down, or maybe she was hoping he didn't so she wouldn't have to continue. But Caleb was determined to be there for Beau, the way she had been whenever he had his bouts of catatonia.

He gave his horse a slight pat when it settled, raised a hand to let the rest of the group know that he was ok, before turning back to Beau. "What?"

Beau shrugged, more open to talk now that she'd started, but also more determined to keep from any eye contact. "He couldn't always keep his temper in check when he was frustrated. And we own a winery, you know? And… when I was eleven he went a little too far, I guess."

Caleb felt himself stiffen. His grip on the reigns tightened, until his hands were visibly shaking, and there was an occasional lick of flames at his fingertips, luckily not strong enough for anything to catch fire. He grit his teeth, eyes turning sharp, as all his focus centered on his friend and confidant. "What did he do?" he asked slowly.

Beau seemed to want to play off whatever happened, trying to sound nonchalant. "I don't remember much of what happened at the time. I don’t even remember what I did exactly. Knowing me, was probably being a little shit.

**_***TRIGGER WARNING: PHYSICAL ABUSE***_ **

"He called me downstairs, didn't really ask me to talk. Probably didn't give a fuck what I thought. Didn't ask me to explain myself. Or maybe he did? And I just don't remember." She swallowed, cracks finally showing in the walls she'd put up since finding out that they needed to visit her parents. "Grabbed me by the scruff of my neck when I arrived, slammed me to a wall."

She could _see_ as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. She remembered the anger at being manhandled, and it was immediately overshadowed, overwhelmed by fear when she was bodily thrown against the wall, kept there by a tightening hand. She remembered her arms flailing, trying to clutch at the hand. As small as she was at that time, her father felt like a giant restraining her.

Caleb's eyes were sharp, but his posture was open enough that Beau was willing to continue. "And he hit me. Like he did so many times before that. But this time, this time it was worse." Beau laughed humorlessly, her voice falling flat. "Don't even remember how many times he did. Think I might've passed out after… three, maybe four?"

But she could remember how it looked like, the last complete image of her vision before her right eye permanently went dark. It was the imposing vision of her father, eyes flashing, lips curled into an angry grimace, sleeves cuffed to his elbows, breath heavy with the stench of the expensive wine that they sold. And she would never forget the image of that fist slamming against the right side of her face, unrelenting.

**_***END TW***_ **

Beau took a deep breath, gathering some more courage, shakier than she had been when she started. "I woke up to three healers, trying to fix what he fucked up. It was easy enough to fix-" She gestured to the right side of her face, where Caleb could scarcely see any scars that could have indicated the abuse. He could only now see the ones he was familiar with, ones Beau had gotten while travelling with them. 

"But they couldn't fix my eye. We went to maybe two more healers, but…" Beau lifted a shaking hand to run her fingers lightly from her right eyebrow downward. "It's just black. I only see, I mean I can tell there's light at most. Can't make out anything else besides that."

Then they were silent, for a bit, while Beau gave Caleb time to absorb everything, and Caleb gave her time to withdraw from the memory. He understood how immersive nightmares from real memories were, and he understood needing the time to just wait it out.

"Beauregard."

Caleb wanted to turn them around. He wanted to pull her away from all this, find another way to track down the witch. They could probably take a couple more days, find someone else in a neighboring town who might have had an encounter. Jester could try and scry again, maybe ask for help from the traveler so it was more concrete. They probably didn't need to subject Beau to this again.

"I'll be ok." Caleb doubted it, but he kept quiet as Beau once again looked up and ahead. "I just… I just wanted someone to know." The corner of her lips lifted into a smirk, empty, but with a warmth that he associated with the looks she sometimes directs toward him. They've been there for each other for months. Through the darkness that was befalling Beau, Caleb hoped the shadow of the smirk he was very familiar with now might mean that she knew that he was going to be there with her every step of the way.

" _Ja_." A burning, slowly simmering anger was still settling in the pit of his stomach, but he forced himself away from it, to prioritize the now. Now, Beau was reaching out to him, and he would always reach back. And so he extended a hand, now free of the flames that he felt were perpetually running under his skin as he placed a firm hand on Beau's shoulder, giving a tight, solid squeeze. "I will be here, Beauregard. All the way."

And if Beau ever needed him to burn away her nightmares, he would. He would burn everything away, until the haunted look in her eyes finally faded.

  


* * *

  


They could always trust Jester to say the right things at the right time.

Beau wondered if it was because Jester had grown up lonely, limited by the fancy walls of her mother's workplace, without the company of friends who were her age. And most of the time, Jester was the kind of person who did everything in her power to make the rest of them feel like they belonged to the Mighty Nein. She never wanted the rest of them to feel what she'd felt growing up.

And she did say the right things. She'd reached out to Beau before they went in through the elegant gates that bordered the Lionett estate. Looking at it, there was nothing Jester could see that would let her know that the Beau she knew lived there once.

It was big and encroached on so much land, while Beau was the type of person to give up her own space so the others could be comfortable. It was clean and polished, while Beau was rugged and didn't care for the dirt and grime of their travels. When they entered the house, Jester noted that it was lavish, while Beau tended to give up luxury for keeping just a few important things on her.

There was nothing in this house that reminded Jester of Beau.

And she hated that she felt like Beau was slipping farther and farther away the moment they stepped foot in Kamordah.

No more of the carefree grin Beau always directed at Jester when she was showing the tiefling something new. No teasing smirk for the rest of the group whenever she knew something the rest of them didn't. No impulses to venture towards parts of the town that were questionable and strange.

Beau was just quiet and defensive. Closed off like the first time they'd met her. A far cry from the compassionate friend Jester saw while they were on the boat, who had laid out her heart bare for Jester, and offered it up willingly despite the vulnerability it gave her. Jester could still remember Beau's eyes in the limited light of the stormy sky. It was cold that night, but Beau's eyes were warm. And she was even warmer when Jester had caught her in a hug.

There was no warmth now.

And even as empty as Beau looked, Jester felt herself melt at how Beau had seemed to squeeze the remaining dredges of herself to be able to connect with TJ.

Jester just wanted Beau to be free of her father. Not to forgive him immediately, but find it in herself to finally let this go. But there was a darkness in Beau's eyes that Jester knew meant that there was something she was missing.

And by the way Caleb had been almost seething the moment Thoreau had come out, Jester surmised that Beau probably told him. In the corner of her eyes, Jester saw that only Nott's hand on Caleb's could stop him from burning the entire house down, fuck the consequences. Until-

"I haven't been the pinnacle of a father, just as you haven't been the pinnacle of a daughter."

Jester saw Caleb crack.

Caleb swept in front of Beau, hands already ablaze, angry sneer on his face. Caleb, who the rest of them protected during fights, was standing in front of the member of Might Nein who always took the hits.

"You. Are. Deplorable."

Jester's own hands were working before she could think, immediately trying to diffuse the tension. "Caleb!"

Caleb's eyes snapped towards his hands, fire dispelled, and his eyes, which had always been kind whenever they were directed at Jester, were suddenly dark. "Do not get in my way, Jester."

Fjord was also moving forward, hands up trying to placate the wizard. Caduceus motioned for the househelp to go. Yasha tried to inch towards Beau, but Caleb, and therefore Nott, were protecting her from the rest of them.

Caleb's eyes fixed once more to Thoreau, meeting terrified eyes that were so similar to Beau's, but without the familiarity. "How could you think your fear and frustration justified what you did?!"

"Caleb, it's ok." Beau's voice was shaky, but she was reaching for Caleb, whatever self-preservation she had gone at the state of one of her closest friends. "I'm ok now."

"He _hurt_ you." Caleb's voice was hoarse, like it always was when he was stuck in the destructive mentality he always had. "I will not listen to his rationalization of his actions towards you."

"I was drunk! I didn't mean to!" In a panic, Thoreau raised up his arms in surrender, eyeing Caleb's smoking hands. "I tried to fix it-"

"You shouldn't have laid hands on her in the first place!"

The atmosphere in the room changed at Caleb's exclamation, his wrath breaching whatever decorum they were trying to keep for the sake of propriety.

The shadows in the room elongated, stretching then weaving around Beau's father, licking by his feet but not touching him. Beau's head whipped towards Fjord, and she saw him with his eyes dark, head tilting. "What did you do, Thoreau?"

"Guys! Please!" Beau huffed out a breath, not wanting to get into this now. She directed her gaze towards her father, tired. "Just tell us about the witch. Then we'll go."

He stuttered out what he knew, and the follow up questions were brisk. He stood, frozen amidst the threat of fire from Caleb and the unknown from the shadows around him from Fjord.

It took Caduceus calming down Fjord, and Nott leading Caleb away by the hand for them to go out. Yasha had stayed beyond for a second, and they could only see her linger, and the fearful look in Thoreau's eyes as Yasha walked away, body tense.

Outside, Beau finally noticed that her hand was wrapped in a much colder one, fingers interlocked with hers. She looked up to find Jester looking back at the house, a pinched expression on her face, and Beau guessed that their joined hands were as much an anchor for Beau as it was for Jester not to go back barreling in to attack Thoreau, too.

After a few moments, Jester looked back towards Beau, moving closer still so Beau couldn't escape the eye contact. "What did he do, Beau?"

From the corner of her eye, Beau noticed the rest of the Mighty Nein tune into their conversation, and she felt herself squirm. She tried to look away, but one, then both of Jester's hands were framing her face, and Beau didn't know if it was Jester's power, or just the fact that it was Jester that made her feel safe, finally.

"Fucked up my eye." Beau gestured towards her right, where she couldn't see the hand on her cheek. "It was the last time he beat me up. He realized sometimes using his fists on me would have permanent repercussions."

"Beau…"

"S'alright now. Fucking badass monk, you know? It doesn't… doesn't bother me anymore."

Before Beau could blurt out anymore reassurances for the rest of them, not wanting to linger on her shit anymore than they had to, Jester was already pulling her in, arms sliding downwards to wrap around her in a hug. Beau let herself be surrounded by Jester, willingly succumbing to the comfort of feeling protected, when she'd felt incredibly unsafe inside the Lionett household.

It wasn't long until she felt Caleb's arm wrap behind her, his forehead pressing against the other side of her head. Nott wrapped her thin arms around her waist. Fjord wrapped both of his around her and Jester. And Caduceus and Yasha wrapped the rest of them up in their long arms.

Beau was confident she'd finally found the family she'd been yearning for since she was old enough to realize that she wanted to be loved. 

Later that night, cuddled close against Jester, Beau opened up again, feeling raw and vulnerable from the encounter, but bolstered by the protectiveness of her crew.

"I was scared to go back." Beau admitted, voice small, countenance even smaller. She was pressed as close as she could be against Jester, foreheads almost touching and she was back to back against Caleb, who, for the night, had chosen to sleep close to her. "Lived my entire life training so I won't ever feel as… as weak, and- and helpless as I did all those years ago."

"You're the opposite of helpless, Beau," Jester intoned.

"We would have found a different way to get to the witch." Beau looked sideward to catch the sight of Nott seated in front of Caleb. She rarely looked guilty of anything, even when she'd shot two arrows towards Beau just to see if Caduceus could heal. Now she looked repentant. "If I'd known. I… I'm sorry. If I'd known-"

"It's ok, Nott. I… I also wasn't completely ready to tell you guys. I guess I… didn't wanna seem weak."

Jester sat up abruptly, making Beau and Nott look at her in surprise. "Beau." Her tone was firm, and brooked no argument. "I won't pretend to understand how it is to- to have a father who hurt you. And I know this visit, seeing your shitty dad again, it's shit. And it's gonna take some time to- to resettle, you know?"

Beau watched her eyes flash determinedly, and was once again reminded of why she was attracted to this girl.

"But I'm gonna be here. And Caleb's gonna be here. And even Nott-"

"Yeah, me too!"

"-she's gonna be here. And Fjord and Yasha and Caduceus. We're all gonna be here. And we're all gonna remind you everyday that you're strong. And brave. And every fight, _every fight_ , you put us first every time you stand in front of a monster that wants to hurt us and you take most of the blows. And I-" Beau didn't notice, and she didn't know why, but Jester had started to cry. "I’m going to keep reminding you." Jester's hand in hers, fingers interwoven with hers, tightens. "Everyday. I'm going to keep reminding you until you remember how- how _good_ you are."

"Jester." Beau's voice was choked up, like she was crying, too.

"I will. You hear? I'm going to remind you until you believe it, too. And it's maybe going to take some time, because fuck Thoreau."

"Yeah, fuck him!" Nott piped up, apparently still up to help and bolster Beau.

Beau actually managed a choked laugh at that, that had Jester's lips widening in an answering smile.

"But we're your family now. All of us. And we're going to be here. And- Beau, listen, listen."

Beau wiped at her eyes, and looked up at Jester, whose eyes were shining with sincerity and love. She made sure Beau was looking right at her, and Jester scooted even closer, hand coming up to cup at Beau's cheek again, fingers wiping away at the tear tracks.

"Beau," she called again, voice strong. "We wanna keep you. Yeah?"

"Fuck, Jessie. Shit." And Beau was crying again, and trying to cuddle closer to a seated Jester, so the tiefling slid down again, pressed a long, firm kiss to the corner of Beau's right eye, then settled down to wrap her arms around Beau. Jester pulled her in so Beau settled under her chin, arms tight around her.

And if Caleb actually scooted back so their backs were pressed, Beau wasn't gonna call him out on it.

When they woke up the next morning, they were all still in the same position. And if they hovered a little bit, Beau just let them, because she felt like she needed it a bit, and it seemed like after learning a little more about her past, they also seemed to need to be there for her.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not saying it's some magic thing that would have fixed Beau, but like... a scene like this would have grounded her enough to not offer herself up as sacrifice in c2e93, you know?
> 
> If you have any beaujester prompts, I'd be happy to write them. Just leave me a comment. :)


End file.
